Keep Your Love On: Connection, Communication & Boundaries by Danny Silk

Author:Danny Silk [Silk, Danny]
Language: eng
Format: epub, azw3
ISBN: 9781626521995
Publisher: Red Arrow Media
Published: 2013-05-12T05:00:00+00:00

The First Goal of Conversation: Understanding, not Agreement

Some people think that talking is communicating. But talking is not communicating unless it has a goal, a purpose. Most often in communication, the goal is agreement. But if our goal is agreement, then what happens when we disagree? I must persuade you to agree with me, or vice versa. But unfortunately, persuasion has a way of slipping into pressure, manipulation, and control. The priority of agreement demands that there really can’t be two different people in the conversation—there can only be one. The longer you refuse to respond to my efforts to convince you to agree with me, the more anxiety grows in the conversation. Before long, the battle lines are drawn and we are allowing our need to be right to overtake our need to protect our connection. The conversation becomes a fight over which one of us has the right perception, the right answer, or the right decision.

If we are not careful, it will be only a matter of time before one of us introduces some kind of “relationship killer” to the conversation. A relationship killer is a message that invalidates or disqualifies one person’s thoughts, feelings, or needs in some way. It most often happens when someone mentions his or her feelings and the other person responds: “Well, that’s not logical. You can’t be right because you just have a feeling. We can’t measure your feelings. We have to present things logically. Your ‘feeling’ doesn’t even make sense. My perspective, on the other hand, has all the qualifiers to be valuable.” The underlying message, although unintended, is, “I am valuable and you are not.” When people start devaluing one another’s thoughts, feelings, or needs in some way, they are attacking their connection like a pack of wolves.

If we want to keep two powerful people involved and connected in a conversation, the first goal must be to understand.

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